Yesterday I awoke with a horrible pain in my back. I could hardly walk. I felt that this kind of pain must be stress related. I sat down, trying to think what might be causing me stress. I come up with one idea but it did not really warrant this kind of pain. It was a stressful situation that I was recently in but I felt it had been resolved. Then I thought a little more and a thought came into mind that I did not want to have. I was envious!?!! I was envious of my husband’s success in his career. We are in the same career
At one time I was the one with the successful art career. I had lots of shows in this country and Europe, reviews in the art magazines and newspapers, sales and collectors. Eight years ago things changed for me. I no longer had a gallery and the number of shows my work was in dwindled. I don’t really know why this happened but it did. I, however, kept on making work.
Now it seems that my luck is changing. My work has been in a couple of nice group shows recently; a collector bought a piece last month; and there are more group show coming up.
So why did I have all this envy yesterday? I not only was feeling envious of my husband’s successes but I went on to have some for another artist friend. It was the blinding kind of envy. The kind that wanted me to hate my husband and think my friend was an asshole and not a very good artist. For those eight years when I was out of the game, the envy was different; it was more distant. Now that I starting to show my work again, the envy was huge. I suppose I was comparing the specifics of my husband’s resume with mine. His were better.
But I also thought that there was something in my studio to consider. My work is usually part of a series and each series is a distinct body of work. Since I had not had a one person show in all those years, things were backing up in the studio. It looked confused to an outside visitor. There was too much to see. I needed to focus the recent work and edit things in the studio.
When I first had those envy feelings yesterday I did not like then. But then I thought of Barbara’s project. We have been having conversations about envy over the past months. I knew I loved to talk to her about the project and the idea. Just the idea of the project has made me edit my thoughts less about envy. Thanks.
Mary, thanks so much for this great exploration of your feelings of ENVY. Very powerful stuff in here! How is the back pain after all these realizations.. has it subsided a bit? Curious about that.
I love the honesty in your writing here. There’s something very freeing about coming clean to myself when I’m feeling ENVY or even being open to the idea that I MIGHT be feeling it. ALSO, do you think that it’s ultimately a good thing that you are editing your thought process less regarding ENVY? If so, how so?
It’s also very revealing that you were able to kind of take your envious thoughts and turn them back toward your own studio; your own work; your own list of things within your power to sculpt and realize rather than hating outward from afar….
LOVED reading this and would love to hear more… !!!! Thanks again.
Thanks for sharing, Mary! Sorry to hear that ENVY is causing you physical discomfort but it’s great that you’re able to realize these feelings and express them. Perhaps you can channel some of this into your work and use it to create something positive, as Barbara suggests. Some of the best art, I think, comes from times when artists are in some sort of turmoil and really use their work to express what they have locked up inside.
Good luck!!
I think it’s a very good thing to allow the envy thoughts to come up to the surface. If I edit them out, I tend to want to become invisible; to think that I don’t really want something; to make what I’m doing small and hard to see. If I’m not in the game I can be safe from envy.
WOW… what a line. ‘If I’m not in the game I can be safe from ENVY.’
It’s intriguing to me…. Thanks for this conversation on ENVY, Mary..
Intriguing analysis. After all envy is one of the most powerful emotions, and it makes sense that it could affect the overall well-being of the body, resulting in a symptom as mentioned.