Dear me, here we go again. Another perfectly normal human emotion under siege!! But then again, we know since biblical times at least (though shalt not covet- yada, yada, yada) poor “envy” has had to face down constant attacks on its valuable function in human social intercourse. Non-pathological envy is merely that feeling that people get when they see or experience something that someone else has that they want. How wonderful!! Seeing my friend, Ellen, chewing Bazooka bubble gum and blowing bubbles when I was five years old I was envious, for sure. That envy allowed me to go home and tell my parents that I wanted some Bazooka bubble gum for myself and when I got it and blew my own bubbles I was very happy. That may be one of the earliest conscious memories I had of envy until my own analysis revealed earlier experiences that were more traumatic because I did not have the language or emotional maturity to process them properly. And, of course, had my parents handled my expressed envy of Ellen’s bubble gum differently it might have developed into pathological envy, which is the source, essentially, of war. But therein lies the difference, and I hope this blog and documentary will clearly explicate the same.
Hey, uber belated thanks for this post.. are you still out there? Let’s pick up this conversation where we left off!
I would love to have a conversation with you about your film, which is covering a most important, if not pivotal, human emotion, but so far it has been one-sided.
I do hope that, whatever your slant on the subject, you will distinguish between normal, healthy envious feelings that all people feel at one time or another, and those that become pathological causing trouble between individuals as well as societies as a whole….
Dr. Hans— thanks for your input and interest in ENVY. What is it, I wonder, that pushes people over that line from healthy ENVY to pathology?
Sorry for the delay in responding!!! Good parenting includes modeling for children healthy ways of dealing with ALL their feelings, including envy. In a nutshell, here are some factors that might influence the passage from healthy to pathological envy issues:
1. Many children are led to believe that any form of envy is “bad”. Very young children (pre-verbal) may try to “grab” something that another child is playing with and only get reprimanded. As language is developing it would be helpful if parents not only intervened saying things like “You may not grab things away from Sally,” but also add “If you want something that Sally is playing with, tell me (or her).” It is important to clarify that, although the aggressive behavior is unacceptable, the desire to have what your friend has is not unacceptable.
2. Many religious teachings do not differentiate between desire and behavior. “Thou shalt not covet..” and other strictures implying that covetous and envious thoughts themselves are “sinful” only contribute to confusion about envy. If children are taught such things, they push their “envious” desires (i.e., becoming aware that they too want something that someone else has) underground, learn to feel guilty for what they want, feel they are not entitled to express their desires, cannot “use” other people to help them focus on what they want, how to get it, etc., all contributing to making people feel frustrated, helpless, etc…
3. Sibling rivalry is the perfect natural setting in which to help children work through and develop a healthy relationship with their own envious and competitive feelings and strivings, and how to handle these normal human tendencies in later mature relationships with friends, mates, co-workers etc. The ultimate failure of working these things through is war!!
4. Parents unhealthy relationship with their own envy will lead to poor modeling and education for their own children in this arena. Of course this applies to all natural feeling states as well.
5. Schools should be including emotional education in the curriculum from an early age to help children learn about their feelings, how to identify, name, integrate and express them.
Susan Hans, Ph.D. says: November 7, 2009 at 10:25 am
Sorry for the delay in responding!!! Good parenting includes modeling for children healthy ways of dealing with ALL their feelings, including envy. In a nutshell, here are some factors that might influence the passage from healthy to pathological envy issues:
1. Many children are led to believe that any form of envy is “bad”. Very young children (pre-verbal) may try to “grab” something that another child is playing with and only get reprimanded. As language is developing it would be helpful if parents not only intervened saying things like “You may not grab things away from Sally,” but also add “If you want something that Sally is playing with, tell me (or her).” It is important to clarify that, although the aggressive behavior is unacceptable, the desire to have what your friend has is not unacceptable.
2. Many religious teachings do not differentiate between desire and behavior. “Thou shalt not covet..” and other strictures implying that covetous and envious thoughts themselves are “sinful” only contribute to confusion about envy. If children are taught such things, they push their “envious” desires (i.e., becoming aware that they too want something that someone else has) underground, learn to feel guilty for what they want, feel they are not entitled to express their desires, cannot “use” other people to help them focus on what they want, how to get it, etc., all contributing to making people feel frustrated, helpless, etc…
3. Sibling rivalry is the perfect natural setting in which to help children work through and develop a healthy relationship with their own envious and competitive feelings and strivings, and how to handle these normal human tendencies in later mature relationships with friends, mates, co-workers etc. The ultimate failure of working these things through is war!!
4. Parents unhealthy relationship with their own envy will lead to poor modeling and education for their own children in this arena. Of course this applies to all natural feeling states as well.
5. Schools should be including emotional education in the curriculum from an early age to help children learn about their feelings, how to identify, name, integrate and express them.